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About Your Sex Life

Carnal Counselor

For Parents

Elusive Orgasms

Q I've never had an orgasm.  It seems like everyone but me is reaching climax.  When I'm with my girlfriends they talk about their orgasmic ability, and the media makes it seem like climaxing is everything.  I feel like I'm missing out.  Do you have tips that will teach me how to get off?

A It’s understandable you feel left out of Club “O”, but you’re not alone.  A lot of women have elusive experiences.  And, it’s no surprise, as most sex positions don’t stimulate the clitoris—a necessary target for many women.  So, try configurations that give space for you or your lover to touch this erogenous area manually.  Or, slip a small vibrator between the two of you to increase the chances of making sex more euphoric.

The surest way to become attuned to what will get you off:  Explore your body during solo-sex sessions.  Creating a relaxing ambiance, get into a comfortable position.  Then, sensuously touch your skin from head to toe.  Building your arousal as you find your hot spots, discover how you want and need them stimulated.  Adding water-based lube to your fingers, explore your vulva (the visible area of your genitals) and vagina, with varying pressures, strokes, and rhythms. Rocking your hips front to back with subtle movements, and fantasizing a steamy scenario can also increase your excitement. 

Whether you’re alone or with a lover, the trick is to stay in the moment.  If you get discouraged, don’t give up.  Simply refocus, refrain from making orgasm your goal, and try to take your pleasure one step further each session.  The most amazing sensations that’ll bring you over the edge can happen when you least expect it.  Remember, every orgasm is unique, and isn’t necessarily obtained every encounter.  So, enjoy the journey without holding yourself to an earth shattering standard. 

If after trying these tips you still have trouble climaxing, talk with your OB/GYN or other doc to rule out any physical culprits.  Or, if you think there might be a psychological cause, contact the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (link to www.aasect.org) to find an expert who can help you get to the root of the orgasmic inhibitor.