Sex Ed Solutions

What do I say to my child who saw my husband and me making love?

Q The other night, my husband and I were making love and our 8-year-old daughter walked in on us. She seemed very confused and embarrassed, and it was a shock for us too! We didn't give her any explanation at the time and I think she is still curious about what she saw. Is it too late to say something, and what do I say?

A At some point in their lives, most couples with children will be walked in on in the heat of the moment. The best thing to do in these situations is to calmly ask the child to step outside the room for a minute, get dressed, and then go talk with him/her. Just remember, how you react can send a stronger message than what you actually say. So, be calm and keep your explanations simple.

Most adults, however, are understandably flustered when they are interrupted and many do not handle the situation immediately. The good news is that it is never too late to talk to a child (in this case your daughter) about what she saw and answer any questions she might have. Simply let her know that you were caught off guard when she came into your room the other night and although you've wanted to talk with her about what happened, you haven't been sure of what to say. Then start by explaining that you and your husband were sharing special time together, showing affection by kissing, hugging, and touching. After this simple explanation, pause and see if she has anything to say. If not, you can ask her if she has any questions.

If she doesn't have anything to ask, let your daughter know that if and when she has questions or concerns, you will always be there for her. Stop the conversation at this point, as pushing your daughter further is not necessary.

If your daughter does have questions, answer in an honest and straightforward manner. Before answering, however, you might want to ask her what she thinks. This will give you an indication of what she is really asking, and will help you give a response that is age-appropriate.

When talking about having sex, you don't need to tell her the details of the act, simply let her know that making love is something that adults do to make each other feel good and show their love for one another. You might also want to use this as an opportunity to talk about privacy. Let your daughter know that she can always wake you or your husband in the middle of the night but explain that if your bedroom door is closed or locked, she should knock. Reassure her that although you want privacy, you will always answer the door. Let her know that this is a two-way street: If she wants alone-time, like when she's in the bathroom or getting ready for bed, you will respect her desire for privacy the same way that she respects yours.